Delayed Reaction

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008 12:08 AM

It's been over ten years now,
and it's just now hitting me
I think.

It all started after school one day
heading home with two buddies
and he's waiting with balloons and a birthday bag
he's smiling, waiting for his little girl to see him with surprise
he's laughing and grinning and watching the door for her to come into his presence.
And a family friend is there too, happy because of the father's happiness
to present his daughter with another year
another gift
sincerity and love.

I see it all the time I guess, but just seeing it this day
I became overwhelmed.
He was so happy, and I could hear her giggling with her friends behind me as soon as she spotted him.
We walk past him a little more.
"Wow... that just made me kind of sad"
I kind of felt it in my heart
like what a lucky girl I guess
I don't know I just never had that, but always wanted it
a daddy to run and hug
and hope he got me the right present.

I'm not trying to look for sympathy
but I never thought about it before
Why this day, why now?
I've always been able to say easily
"wow... maybe it's good my dad isn't around..."
when my friends talk about their dads
I never truly mean it though, but I guess it's my way of being able to fit in the conversation.
I'm sure things would be very different if he were in my life,
maybe not as much freedom,
maybe I would speak spanish,
maybe I would have gone to Puerto Rico already,
maybe he would pick me up at school on a birthday.

I guess that's it, birthday's.
Maybe that's why it finally came
November 19th 1996
day before my 6th birthday...
I would grow up with out a dad, and feel no different.
My birthday's were never really "special", they were sweet, family oriented, nothing big.
But after that, I don't remember any other birthdays until... like 12 or 13.
So I guess the thought of a birthday, is the same as another year that he's missed, another day he couldn't make.

I don't blame him for anything, I love him, he helped create me.
But just ever since that day, I finally felt it
I'm a mommy's girl, there was no choice, might have turned out the same
would I be Rodriguez enough? Puerto Rican then?
Who knows... I've already been molded by his absence, and no longer feel the need to say
"I guess I'm better off"
Maybe it's because I'm going off to college
I'll have to tell my stories all over again
maybe I need to actually figure out my feelings
Maybe, whatever

So it took... 12 years? I dunno...
I don't like sob stories but I just had to jot this out for my own benefit